Thank The Lord

I'm not usually an overtly religious man, but I said my prayers last night. I got down on my knees to give thanks to Almighty God that the American people had listened to His Holy Word and re-elected His Champion, George W. Bush.

President Bush (how reassuring that phrase sounds to all right-thinking people) now has another four years in which to make not only America, but ultimately the entire planet, safe from terrorists. Following his triumphant victory in Iraq and the liberation of its people, the President, with the backing of not only the American People, but also the Almighty Himself, can now don his Shining Breastplate of Righteousness, mount his Charger of Truth, and ride out to take the Holy Word of the American Way of Life to the other benighted lands which are secretly crying out for Enlightenment.

Many of these people have lived under such oppression for so long that they believe themselves to be content, absurd though it may seem to us. It's America's Sacred Duty to help them, using carpet bombing if necessary. After Iraq will come Iran. Then, on the basis that it starts with the same letters and has some terrorists in it, Ireland, although there may be pressure on the government to just reinstate the old U.S. policy of getting rid of some kinds of terrorist by giving them money.

The War on Terror at home will not be so easily won. Terrorists are everywhere, and can take on many forms. We all know that homosexuals are just as much terrorists as brown people with big bombs. In fact they're worse, for they threaten not only our way of life but also our bottoms. Who knows when one of these disgusting sodomites will leap out from the shadows, rip off our trousers and inflict unspeakable indignities on our cat-flaps? That's something I think about all the time, as I'm sure you all do.

As the Good Lord Himself might well have said had I been writing His material, "Thou shalt use thy bottom only for doing poos. And also thy willy only for wees. Unless thou art joined in matrimony. And even then it's a bit of a gray area. To be honest I haven't really thought the sex thing through. Apart from homos; they definitely need smiting."

That's the kind of thing God would say, if I did his stuff.

I'd like to close with a hymn by Randy Newman. It just sums up everything that's right with American foreign policy.


Political Science by Randy Newman

No one likes us-I don't know why
We may not be perfect, but heaven knows we try
But all around, even our old friends put us down
Let's drop the big one and see what happens

We give them money-but are they grateful?
No, they're spiteful and they're hateful
They don't respect us-so let's surprise them
We'll drop the big one and pulverize them

Asia's crowded and Europe's too old
Africa is far too hot
And Canada's too cold
And South America stole our name
Let's drop the big one
There'll be no one left to blame us

We'll save Australia
Don't wanna hurt no kangaroo
We'll build an All American amusement park there
They got surfin', too

Boom goes London and boom Paree
More room for you and more room for me
And every city the whole world round
Will just be another American town
Oh, how peaceful it will be
We'll set everybody free
You'll wear a Japanese kimono
And there'll be Italian shoes for me

They all hate us anyhow
So let's drop the big one now
Let's drop the big one now

God bless you all.

God bless America.