Friday, August 17, 2007

Cook 'Em Slowly

According to the TV news, Dublin’s council estates are over-run by dangerous breeds of dog with irresponsible owners. Following ten dog attacks on people this year, Dublin City Council has issued a notice to its tenants, threatening them with eviction from their houses if they don’t get rid of their dogs.

Interviewed, the owners of these inbred hell-hounds claim that they love their dogs because of their sweet nature, which is about as accurate and honest as a gun nut claiming to love his Glock because of the colour.

“He’s so good with the children,” they bleat, gazing mistily at the slavering red-eyed wolverine frothing at their feet. Presumably what they mean is that the beast swallows toddlers in one gulp rather than messing the place up by leaving stray arms and ears all over the carpet.

“He’s like one of the family,” they whine, which is perfectly believable, as right now their children are outside in the street mutilating a tramp prior to setting him on fire and then eating him alive.

The dog lobby, and I have to say I'm slightly depressed that such a thing exists, puts forward the opinion that “it’s not the dogs, it’s the owners who are the problem.” Interesting, the parallel with the gun lobby. (“Guns don’t kill people. People kill people.”)

Well, actually, bad, stupid, aggressive people with guns kill people, and people like that should no more be allowed to roam the streets armed with an irascible pit bull terrier than they should be allowed access to firearms.

They may be an argument for keeping big, tough dogs in certain circumstances, such as if you live in a remote cottage in a corner of Ireland under constant threat of attack by starving bears or rabid badgers or something. Keeping a brace or more of testosterone-fuelled rottweilers in a two-bedroom apartment on the seventh floor of a Dublin tower block is a liitle harder to justify.

I know it’s the owners who are the problem, but people are more difficult to get rid of than animals, even in Ireland. I also know that “it’s not the dogs’ fault”, which is somehow supposed to make you fell less stressed about the fact that your babies have just been dragged from their pram and eaten.

The Koreans have the right idea about dogs. Keep them in the pound for a while to let them soften up. They’ll still be a little tough, but, hell, cook ‘em slowly.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

An erstwhile colleague of your, Mr Nicholas Evans, bought a Staffordshire Bull Terrier a couple of years ago. He has the shaven head of a sink estate chav but hasn't yet had the tattoo done.
"They have a terrible reputation but they really are softies", he opined. Three days later he came into the office with bite marks all over his nose and, predictably, said "it was just playing".

Playing? I've been a vegetarian for over 30 years (amazing for a 22 year old pneumatic blond, I know, but, as Eisntein pointed out, time is relative) but if it had done the same to me it would have been one of the ingredients of a 'Korean Pate' by nightfall.


Suzie Creamcheese

Anonymous said...

We have had a few such problems here in Iowa. After the deputy has put a bullet in the skull of the beast, the owner must prove that it was on a leash, in its pen, and without the slightest bit of human DNA in its teeth.

They usually fail on the leash part.

LibertyBob

David said...

I agree that Evans has a slightly thuggish look about him for a finance director (or is the upwardly mobile little rascal a VP by now?)

Mind you, I look much more like a mugger than the sweet-natured old hippy I am in reality.

By the way, has Hackney murdered anybody yet?

Anonymous said...

I've moved on from dangerous dogs.

Where the fuck did all these mosquitos come from? I live in Berkshire for Christ's sake. Normally, the only things that suck your blood out here are the fucking estate agents. Bunch of cunts.
We've got one particularly greedy little bastard in our bedroom who feasts on my magnificent body every night. I look like fucking John Merrick!

Suzie C