Handy Childcare Hints

I find to my dismay that I now have five children / stepchildren...


1) There's only a limited number of times you can tell your children that their dad belongs to "the first generation where the parents are cooler than the children" before they start making that thumb-and-forefinger "Loser" sign.

2) It's okay to let children have the last word, because you have a job, a house, money and a car while they have nothing. Ahhhh. Who's the loser now?

3) Practice telling children that they're talented, clever and beautiful. It's not always easy to be convincing, especially if they get school reports and your house has mirrors.

4) Make sure all your possessions are locked away and you have the only key. Tell your children that you will put anything of theirs left lying around into a large box, and that at the end of the week you will take the box to a charity shop and give it to the old ladies. Do it.

5) Compromise is for the weak. Adopt the "Northern Ireland Approach" to family discussion. "No" means "No". "Maybe" means "No". "Yes" means "No". No Surrender.

6) It's inevitable that their rooms will smell as if they're keeping a secret goat as a pet and be littered with unidentifiable stuff. If you manage to convey the concept of "pile" as opposed to "spread", it's a success story. If you can get them to turn lots of little piles into one big pile you can probably start thinking about writing a childcare manual.

7) No matter how sophisticated and valid their argument, children can always be defeated by making spiteful comments about their appearance. Never mind the newspaper "scare" stories about anorexia and teenage depression, don't be afraid to use this one.

8) Young children enjoy pet funerals much more than live pets. Check with your local petshop - you may be able to buy animals that are already dead at a reduced rate, and you'll save money on feeding and vets' bills. Good for the garden too!

The Bugbear Zone cannot be held responsible for any damage, physical or psychological, which may result from adherence to the preceding guidelines.