See Ya Later, Alley-gater

I turned on the radio in the car this morning in time to hear a politician using the word "alligator", which is not a word you hear all that often the U.K., and hardly ever in the House of Commons. If you do hear it there's normally a zoo-keeper talking about a small child and something going Tragically Wrong.

Much to my disappointment, she went on to talk about the policy of cutting down on mugging and burglary in poor urban areas by fitting locked gates to the alleys that run behind and between the houses. Apparently ruffians commit crimes and then scamper off between the back yards to make good their escape. The "alley-gates" (and here you see my understandable mistake, particularly with my hearing being a bit dodgy following years of standing too close to over-enthusiastic drummers, it's those fucking ride cymbals I blame) hamper the rapscallions and make capture more likely.

It would of course be more effective and, dare I say it, infinitely more satisfying if there were indeed real alligators in the back yards, ready to bite off and eat the legs of fleeing hooligans, but I'm sure there would be the usual pathetic "concerns over safety". Rubbish. If we have to sacrifice the occasional toddler to ensure that muggers are eaten, or at least well and truly shortened, it's a price worth paying, I’d say.