The Best of Irish Lonely Hearts

(Yes, I know it's cheating, but I haven't had time to do anything on here for weeks and someone just sent me this. Anyway, made me laugh.)


>Grossly overweight Louth turfcutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini,
>seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions,
>candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own
>car and be willing to travel.
>
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>Following a sad recent loss, teetotal Tipperary man, 53, seeks
>replacement mammy. Must like biscuits and answer to the name Minnie.
>Thurles area.
>
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>Wexford man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered.
>
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>Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in
>pints, fags, Glasgow Celtic football club and starting scraps on
>Patrick Street at three in the morning.
>
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>Bitter, disillusioned Kerryman lately rejected by long-time fiancée
>seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
>this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
>
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>Ginger-haired Galwegian trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after
>a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe
>more.
>
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>Artistic Clare woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,
>writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,
>seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce
>along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey.
>Strong stomach essential.
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>Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will
>include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social
>functions. References required. No timewasters.
>
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>Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the
>arse end of Roscommon seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady with big
>chest.
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>Devil-worshiper, Offaly area, seeks like minded lady for wining and
>dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering
>cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
>
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>Attractive brunette, Macroom area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition
>at Jolenes Nightclub, Macroom, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man
>who's not afraid to cry for long nights spent comfort drinking and
>listening to old Abba records. Please, Please!
>
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>Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
>the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.
>
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>Optimistic Mayo man 35, seeks blonde 20 year old double-jointed
>supermodel who owns her own brewery and has an open-minded twin sister.
>
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>
>Belfast man, 30ish, beer gut and grim breath, desperately seeks
>companion. Must like Billy Ray Cyrus, Telecoms equipment, Tarmac and
>won't mind rogering me with my 12 inch strap on whilst wearing cowboy
>boots and humming Bryan Adams hits. No time wasters.