Cash

I'm second in the queue at W.H. Smith, clutching my copy of The Guardian and a bottle of Lemon Fanta. The person in front of me is buying a paperback costing £8.99. He decides to pay by debit card. The cashier tries to swipe the card, but it's worn or dirty and it doesn't work. He types in the card number and the expiry date. The card is rejected. He peers at the till, then the card. There's a brief discussion with the customer, during which the cashier realises he's typed in the wrong expiry date. He tries again. The card-reader communicates with the Mother Ship or whatever the fuck it does. We stand and wait.

After about thirty seconds there's a curiously annoying beeping sound and the till cranks out a signature slip. The customer signs. The cashier checks the signature and hands the customer his copy. Then they go through pretty much the same routine with the "loyalty card". The customer wants to check to see how many points he has. The cashier isn't sure how to do it. He calls a supervisor. The transaction continues...

I've now been standing here with my newspaper, my bottle of fizz and my five pound note for about five minutes. Veins are standing out on my forehead. (I can't see them, but I know they're there.) Sooz has wandered off, because she knows that if she looks at my puffed-up cross little face she'll start to laugh out loud, and then, well, then the killing will start.

So here's my point. USE CASH, YOU BASTARDS!!! Cash transaction for an £8.99 paperback - what do you reckon? Fifteen seconds? I can count pretty well, I can even give the right money sometimes, and then it's even quicker! What's so wrong with that?

I know that shops don't like holding large amounts of cash, which is why they like doing that "cash-back" thing which adds even more time to card transactions, but Hard Fucking Luck. (The other reason retailers don't like cash is that they're afraid their employees will steal it. Well, I know this is revolutionary, but how about paying these poor fucks a decent living wage so they don't have to steal to buy food for their ugly malnourished babies?. (Just a thought.)

And tell me, who does use cash? Little old people, that's who. No wonder they're always being mugged. All of you out there have the responsibility of diverting the attention of the criminal classes away from my mother and back to you. Okay, so you run the risk of having a hundred quid or so taken from your wallet, but at least you'll have saved a little old silver-haired Irish lady from a kicking, and also you may well have avoided that walk to the nearest ATM with a knife in your ribs and your underpants full of poo. Price worth paying, I'd have thought.