Shakin' Strategy

A couple of months ago at a dinner party, a man I hardly know did the old Alpha-male-death-grip-handshake-squeeze thing on me, and it hurt. Now frankly, being a permanently irritable but physically quite gentle man, I can't begin to understand why people do this, but anyway, I was pissed off for a number of reasons.

Firstly, I'd met this wankstain before, and he'd done it to me then, too, but I'd forgotten. Secondly, he's a taxidermist, and on basic principles I'm not entirely sure I want to shake hands with someone who makes a living sticking his hands inside dead things. Thirdly, the first time he did it I promised myself that if it happened again I'd get even in some way, and because of the social pressure to behave in a polite manner, I didn't.

Now, this bloke's a sort of a friend of a friend, and there's a possibility that I'll meet him again, and be expected to shake hands. I've been considering the options:

1) Shake hands and immediately headbutt him full in the face, smashing his nose into a pre-op Michael Jackson size and shape, saying "Oh, I'm so sorry, but I just have this sort of reflex thing. That happens whenever anyone squeezes my hand very hard."

2) Shake hands and immediately knee him in the bollocks, using the explanation above.

3) Shake hands and use a technique I learnt in my martial arts days to snap both his wrist bones like sticks of barley-sugar. Say "Oh I'm so sorry, but when I'm in a lot of pain my old S.A.S. training just kicks right in. It's permanently embedded in the hippocampus, you know."

(All of the above are perhaps a little extreme.)

4) Shake hands and lean forward to kiss him full on the lips, with tongues if possible. Murmur "Oh, you big strong thing, you..." (Need to be ready to block his left hook with this one.)

5) Shake hands and scream as loudly as possible "What the fuck are you doing, you horrid taxidermist? That really hurts. What's your problem?"

6) Pretend I'm going to shake hands and then raise my hand to chest height and give him the finger.

7) Say "I'm not going to shake hands because the last time I did it you caused me a lot of pain by crushing my hand. Fuck knows why you feel you have to do it. If you have a small dick save up and buy a Ferrari."

8) Pretend not to notice that he wants to shake hands.


Now, it's a sad thing, but we all know that, much as I'd like to employ tactics 1 - 7 (particularly number 3), it's going to be number 8. Alternative strategies from any or all of you would be welcomed. With a warm and friendly handshake.