Foxhunting Lobby Q & A

The hunting ban has faded from view recently because of much more important errm, stuff in the news. I think that's a shame...


Q: Isn't the ban just a case of urbanites' lack of understanding of our rural traditions?
A: No. We understand you perfectly. If you're talking about traditions like incest and shooting prowlers in the back there are already laws against both of those, and actually we'd like you to stop doing that too.

Q: Won't the ban be impossible to police effectively?
A: Not at all. I admit that there may be initial reluctance by police to arrest middle-class white people, especially someone they recognise and had to address as "M'Lud" as recently as the previous week, but I'm confident that this can be overcome with the proper training. The sort of thing we have in mind is a series of hypno-sleep tapes on which grating, plummy voices will patronise the trainees using phrases like "Don't you know who I am, Constable?" and "You realise, don't you, that I pay your salary?", and "But my uncle's a Q.C." A photograph of Lord Charles Brocket on the bedside cabinet will also do the trick.

Q: What about all the people who will lose their jobs as a result of the ban?
A: Presumably there was an outcry about the streets being full of unemployed bull-baiters at one point, but they got over it. And I don't remember you marching in support of the miners.

Q: But what will we do with the hundreds of foxhounds which will no longer be required?
A: We are currently negotiating a contract with a prominent Korean businessman who apparently runs an animal refuge as well as his successful restaurant chain. He seems more than happy to take care of the dogs.

Q: But don't you realise that foxes are vermin?
A: If you mean like rats, then yes, you may well be right. And I personally have absolutely no problem with you hunting rats on horseback, although you might want to try terriers instead of the ones with the floppy ears. Unfortunately the "hunting with dogs" ban was forced upon us.

Q: Have you ever seen the inside of a hen-house after a fox has got in?
A: Strangely, no. Perhaps some kind of "door" could be employed to prevent that kind of thing happening. I'm sure there are E.U. grants available.

Q: What other options did you consider before deciding on a ban?
A: My own preference was to allow hunting to continue, but with the fox replaced by something a bit more interesting.

Q: Like what?
A: Like a leopard. I was told it was "inhumane". Disappointing, that. They want the heady excitement of the chase, they can have it, I said. No, they said. Pathetic.

Q: And what about The Countryside Alliance? Remember that huge march?
A: Remember the anti-war march the week after? Remember how successful that was? Bye now.