Some advice

My mind tends to wander during telephone calls at work. During one call this morning I listened to the transatlantic accents and came up with a short list of pieces of advice for Americans.

1 - There's no such word as "snuck". (If you're going to get creative with the past tense of words that rhyme with "wreak", then it should be "snought", you buffoons.)

2 - Say "the 11th of September". A "911" is a Porsche.

3 - As you're probably going to kill us all, at least learn how to say "nuclear". I't's just embarrassing to be immolated by somebody who can't even pronounce his own ordnance.

4 - If you find people hate you and want to kill you, why not try to figure out what it is you're doing that pisses them off, and uh, stop doing it.

5 - Of course we're grateful for your winning WW2 for us (although I seem to remember you hung around for a couple of years until you realised you could make money out of it), but I think you'll find that was ages ago - consider yourselves thanked.

6 - Try and use knives as well as forks, rather than doing the chimp-pointy-stick thing.

7 - If you're travelling in Britain, don't drink the coffee. There's a good reason why Americans complain that the coffee they get here tastes like piss and waiters have knowing smiles.

8 - Yeah, yeah, Saddam bad. We good. Mmmmm, doughnuts.