Speaking in tongues

I work for a large corporation, and like employees in most big organisations, I use a lot of jargon. It can't really be avoided; it's shorthand that my colleagues all understand and employ, and no matter how queasy it makes you feel, well, you’ve got to join in. There are several different categories – here a few of them, together with translations…

Some just substitute one word for another. These are quite useful, and we shouldn't beat ourselves up too badly when we use them – for example:
- "Delta" = "Difference"
- "Disconnect"= "Unexpected difference”
- "Serious disconnect" = "Mistake" (Implied)
- "Serious mistake" = "We're all going to die."


Many seem to have been created to avoid using the word "problem", which is seen as having negative and upsetting connotations. (I have to admit to having used at least two of these in earnest already today. (I'll let you worry about which ones.) For example:
- "I'm not sure we're on track" = "Is there a problem?"
- "We've hit some turbulence" = "There is a problem."
- "What's the gating factor?" = "What is the problem?"
- "What's the materiality level?" "How serious is the problem?"
- "We need to put together a recovery plan" = "We don't understand the problem"
- "It's not within the scope of my role" = "It's not my problem"
- "Who's the owner and what's the significant event?" = "Who has to do what to fix the problem?"
- "I feel more confident now that you've taken ownership" = "Yay! It's your problem! Sucker. "

Note: Sometimes the "P"-word can be used, but only when it's aimed and fired at someone else, thus ensuring that they're the ones who look negative, as in:
- "The difference between us is that I look for solutions while you look for problems." = "I am an unprincipled toady who would suck every dick in the building, including my own, rather than show any hesitation when asked by a more senior manager to perform any task, no matter how difficult, because I will dump it on the poor hapless bastards who work for me. Last year I was responsible for three resignations, one suicide, two attempts on my life, (one resulting in minor abrasions and other in the regrettable mutilation of George from Fleet Services, who was cleaning my car unaware that it contained what I seem to remember the Bomb Squad called a “device”), and the decision to put Prozac in the water-cooler. You, on the other hand, seem to have retained a few shards of realism and integrity. I pray that one day you will work for me and then, oh how you'll pay. Muh-ha-ha-ha."

Sorry, got a bit carried away on that one. He knows who he is…

And some seem to have no other function than to avoid the word "Okay":
- "I think I can sign up to that" = "Okay"
- "I don't have a problem with that" = "Okay"
- "Sounds good to me" = "Okay"
- "Okay" = "I wasn't listening to what you said, but as you out-rank me I'll just say "Okay"."


And then there's the career-orientated stuff:
- "I'm a great believer in empowering the people in my team" = "Don't come into my office until you've got something nice to tell me"
- "We need to discuss your Development Plan" = "You're in the wrong job. Remind me why we hired you?"
- "I'm not sure about your commitment" = "I know we hired you because of your tits, but we sort of hoped you'd do some work"
- "You really need to take some time to think this through" = "You're a fucking halfwit. If you ever have a creative thought your head will explode like the guy in that Cronenberg movie. And I'll be glad. And I’ll pretend that thought was my thought."
- "Id really value your opinion" = "Don't even think about it"